she was so not down for the gang bang
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
