Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
