You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
