i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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