I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
