so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
