atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
