if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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