is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
