Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
