the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
