it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
