All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
