Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
