I'm so fucking centered right now
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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