Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
