What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
