dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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