and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
