You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
