If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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