Can Purell be used as lube?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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