last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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