Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
