The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
