umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
