oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
