You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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