Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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