You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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