You made me cry and you don't even care
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
