dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
