Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
