I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
