Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
