guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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