Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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