okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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