Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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