just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
