In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
