You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
