I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
