i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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