I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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