Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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