I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
