Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
