So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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