sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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