fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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