Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
